These are my four favorite signs from around the TigerLogic office in San Jose.  I often find myself reading them again because they’re kind of hilarious.  Maybe I just have an odd sense of humor.

4. Engraved plastic sign on breakroom vending machine

Once you have notified the receptionist, you may then commence shaking the machine using appropriate company procedure.

Once you have notified the receptionist, you may then commence shaking the machine using appropriate company procedure.

One can only imagine how many lawsuits were filed by irate employees who had injured themselves by shaking the machine before the building management finally ponied up for an official-looking engraved plastic sign asking them to please stop.

3. Repair request in vending machine

Notice the circled date on the note.

The above plastic engraved sign suddenly makes more sense.

Notice the circled date on the note.  To my knowledge, the Rockefeller Group doesn’t even lease in this building anymore.

2. Dymo label on non-roving supply cabinet

STATIONARY

STATIONARY

Once I put up a post-it with an arrow pointing to this label that said, “Yes, it is.”  It stayed up for almost a week.

1. “Microwaving Water!” Warning

Microwaving Water!

Holy shit!

This is an all-around gem.  First, the sensationalist exclamation point and the alarming underline is carefully crafted to capture the attention of many an unwarned member of white collar corporate America as he or she reheats lunch.  These stylistic choices plainly say “forget the latest issue of People magazine waiting for you at your desk because this is going to be CRAZAY”.

Then, it revs up the drama, slowly setting the scene: a 26-year old man decides to have a cup of coffee.  As he places the cup of water in the microwave, you can hear the slow beginning of the Jaws theme.  Ba-dum.  Ba-dum. “NO!” you want to shout.  “STOP, 26-YEAR OLD MAN!  USE THE TEA KETTLE!”

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Ba-dum. Ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum...

The whole thing reads like one of those fearmongering emails your grandma forwards to you.  You know:

Subj: FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: MICROWAVING WATER!

(in size 30 Comic Sans font) This is true, a scientist from Wisconsin confirmed it this morning.  GE and other big appliance companies are trying to keep this hushed up because it could hurt sales  They won’t keep us in the dark!  We need your help!  Please pass this on to everyone you know who uses a microwave or drinks water!!!!!

The saddest thing is that the printout in our kitchen is so neatly formatted that someone must have spent about 20 painstaking minutes sifting through the entire forward — taking out all of the >>>>> symbols, inspirational quotes in shimmering hypertext, and pictures of roses created entirely from dashes, semicolons, and backslashes — in order to print it out and place it in a protective covering to grace our breakroom microwave.  And for that, I would just like to say thank you.

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